SPC-1057-J - Absence of Punchable Shark
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SCRIPT BASED ON ORIGINAL ENTRY BY Captain Kirby [CC BY-SA 3.0].
The voice of the Database was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
The voice of Amy Tulls was provided by Lisa Hogan.
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Item #: SPC-1057-J
Shark Punching Contingencies: SPC-1057-J is to remain in the Lap Pool at Recreation Center 23 until a method of transfer to a smaller, private tank has been devised. In the interim, the Lap Pool is to be closed, and members redirected to Recreation Center 22 for aquatic training.
Description: SPC-1057-J refers to an animate empty space in the shape of a tiger shark. It has no solid physical components, but is capable of displacing water through an unknown mechanism. While no one has observed SPC-1057-J consuming food, early punching attempts show that it is capable of biting hands (See Acquisition Log). It is conjectured that SPC-1057-J is remarkably smug about this.
Despite a lack of selachian anatomy, the SPC Athletic Counsel has voted to designate SPC-1057-J as a standard selachian threat. SPC Counsel Member Amy Tulls’ comments are below:
“While some may argue that SPC-1057-J is literally a lack of a shark, we have decided that this does fall in of line with the central mission of the SPC. It looks like a shark. It bites like a shark. Most surely it can be punched like a shark. We will continue our innovations in Fist Integrated Stimulation Technology until SPC-1057-J receives the right hook it deserves.”
Acquisition: SPC-1057-J was discovered within the Lap Pool at Recreation Center 23. Two SPC personnel were killed, and fourteen were injured during various attempts to punch SPC-1057-J. Unfortunately, all such attempts failed, due to the lack of physical shark within the pool. During further examination of the Recreation Center bulletin boards, Document 1057-S24 was located.
Document 1057-S24:
Try to punch this.
P.S. Fuck you.
Are We PETA Yet?
